Thursday, September 24, 2009

Feeling dejected

Looking for work. Just feeling bummed. How to find a position that will pay enough and something with a smidgen of meaning? Never mind that -- how to make meaningful connections with people?

I truly wonder. Networking in the area of programming too, seems to have been a complete dead end for me. Somehow after all these years, despite a bruising effort in school, working on projects part time, keeping up with the Web Design meetup, I keep ending up in the margins, being forgotten, and outsider. It isn't surprising -- it is pretty much a pattern in my life since I was a kid -- it just seems inevitable when it really shouldn't be.

A recruiter commented this morning that she was looking for someone who lived and breathed technology, who had a passion for the work. Mmm-hmmm. I've heard that expression before from peers who encouraged me to do open source projects. I get being passionate about what you do, really! And if you looked at my stacks of books and magazines, loads of notebooks with scribbled ideas and designs, and laptop folders filled with libraries and project work, you might get the idea that I have some enduring interest in the field. But I got the impression that was not precisely what the recruiter meant.

The recruiter seemed to be using a euphemism. That is, they wanted a person who would work on projects night and day, long hours and without adequate pay. Someone who is entrenched in one technology and completely two-dimensional in everything else.

Sigh. That isn't me. I tried to broaden my search recently, but most of the opportunities have been shot down for basically that reason. The more that happens, the more it makes me wonder if I should be dropping out of the field, and doing something completely different. That's why I feel a lack of passion. I need something objective to motivate me, something with meaning.

It is just getting a lot harder to envision what kind of opportunities I should go after.

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