Thursday, October 7, 2010

Beware of Java Toxic Shock Syndrome

If you are a programmer and find it increasingly difficult to breathe, you may be experiencing anaphylactic shock from exposure to The Java Programming Language, a known allergen.

Signs and Symptoms
Allergic reactions to Java are increasingly common. Symptoms range from minor head scratching to headaches, generalized muscle pain, tightness in the chest, dizziness, and a feeling of being unable to take in enough air. 

Long term exposure to Java is thought to contribute to adrenal exhaustion due to excessive stress levels.

Treatment Options
Some people experience complete rejection and find it necessary to trade their IT careers for lifestyles absent of spurious programming constructs. Pie baking and teaching are among the careers pursued after a Java allergy is determined.

Others with less extreme reactions may find that regular use of a non-allergenic language helps clear their systems of the foreign toxins. Well-tolerated alternatives include Python with Django, and Ruby on Rails; some programmers may find Haskell useful in certain cases.  Once the cruft of Java is reduced the allergy symptoms dissipate, allowing them to breathe more clearly. 

Notes
Be careful about choosing alternative languages based on Java. Some are just Java packaged as pills with a sugary coating, while others are more thoroughly buffered.  To avoid allergic symptoms, the language must be designed to withstand breakdown so that the Java core passes through the gut undigested.  Scala and Grails are two systems purported to provide a high degree of protection against Java toxicity.
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